Grief can make you feel crazy. Every emotion is let loose and comes flooding in, eroding -any sense of balance. The normal routine of the most stable individual can be disrupted by bursting into tears or being totally distracted by the pain or loss. There is no shortcut to make the turmoil disappear.

Wrestling with that grief is the goal of the Teen Support Group sponsored by Hospice Services of Howard County [Columbia, Maryland].  Eight teens ranging in ages from 12 through 16, decided to give group a try.

The nervousness of the first few sessions melded into a sense of comfort; our group had become a safe place for these teens to move through the grieving process.  During our first few weeks, we had talked about stages of grief, stress management techniques, and coping strategies during the holidays. We shared our stories about the death of our loved ones and its effect on us. The focus of our eighth meeting was, "What advice would we give a grieving teen?" The teens decided to include their ideas in this article.  So in their own words the answers to this question:

• "Join a teen grief group to help deal with your feelings,   . . . I thought my feelings were dumb and was ashamed of them. Then I came to this group and realized that others have the same feelings. When I am with others outside this group, I feel abnormal. Here I feel more secure. I am a normal grieving person.  If there is no group around, choose a friend who you think will stick with you. If you don't have one, find a counselor or psychologist to talk with." 

• "Don't block it [grief] out of your mind, or it gets worse. I write about how I feel in my journal. I can do it anytime I want, and it helps.  When I get worked up over things, I write about it. I go back and read it later and see how differently I feel. It's encouraging to see how far I've come."

• Listen to music. "I don't feel alone when I listen to sad music. When I'm angry, I like loud music. It reminds me that there are a lot of frustrated people out there."

• Skateboarding helps me work through my anger.  When I'm angry or sad, it makes me happy.  Playing in sports and running gets his mind off his problems.

• I feel so awkward if something reminds me of my dad and I start crying in school.  I head for the bathroom until I stop, at least temporarily.  I'd rather cry alone.

• "Some people treat me like I have a disease.  They either totally ignore me or, if they do talk, they are afraid to mention the word 'death,' or the person's name.  If someone would just say they heard my dad died, and did I want to talk, I would know they cared, yet wouldn't  feel pressured to respond. What really helps is a hug from a friend."

• One teen, annoyed that her teacher talked about her dad being sick on a day she was absent said, "It would have been better if the teacher had checked with me first. It was eerie to return to class knowing this information had been shared with kids I hardly knew."

• Some relatives expect too much. "Now you are the man of the family.  Take care of your mother," and he  wanted to shout, "What about me?" "I was afraid they would be shocked by such a selfish statement so I said nothing, but I was seething inside." 

The variety of responses highlighted the fact that there is no one way to grieve. Each person develops his or her unique style.

The taboo against crying in public was discussed. Even though tears play a normal part in the healing of grief, they can be extremely embarrassing. 

It takes courage to grieve in a society that mistakenly values restraint, where we risk the rejection of others by being open and different. Open mourners are a select group, willing to journey into pain and sorrow and anger in order to heal and recover. 

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