-Guilt is one of the most powerful emotions around.  It holds us in bondage, isolates us and alters how we look at the world.  Guilt allows for no forgiveness. Guilt makes us feel like we are bad.  We blame ourselves for things we may have had no control over.  Guilt causes us to punish ourselves and in turn everyone around us.  We withdraw from life to torture ourselves. 

-Regrets on the other hand are things we wish we had done.  For instance, I wish I had given my father a double kiss the day he died and an extra I love you, Dad. 
The problem is we often get the two confused.  Regret is a lot easier to handle and to get over. 

How to cope with these emotions:

1. Tell someone you trust that you are feeling guilty.  I especially urge this for children or teens.  As kids, we don't always know if we've done something wrong.  Blaming ourselves or wishing we had done something different is natural.  So, talk about it.  If the person you trust says, no you aren't to blame, trust them and let it go. 

2. Write a list of what you feel bad about.  Then as objectively as you can, identify what is guilt and what is regret.  You may need help with this.  Our grief blinds us to the truth sometimes. 

3. If it is regret that you are feeling, there are ways to move past the feeling.  It may be writing a letter expressing to the person who has died how you feel.  If there is time, it may be talking to a terminally ill person about unfinished or unresolved issues between you. 

4. Sometimes you may need to run the feelings by another person for support.  We need to be reminded that we did the best we could, that we were tired or stressed, or that we couldnÆt have been there at the last minute.  After the fact, we lose the objectivity to remember exactly how things were or we forget all the things we did right. 

5. Be open to forgiving yourself.

6. Sometimes if there is true guilt about something done wrong, you can receive relief by finding a way to make amends.  An example of this is volunteering to do something kind for someone else. 

7. Look for a lesson that can be learned from what you went through.  I am a counselor today because of my grief.  It taught me compassion and to say I love you, frequently.  My DadÆs death gave me the opportunity to learn empathy for others in pain.  I chose to become a better person rather than hanging onto resentment and self-pity. 

8. Most importantly, allow yourself to remember the things you did right.  DonÆt ever forget the good things about the relationship.  Parents, help your child know they arenÆt to blame and that their love was known.  Adults spend time talking about the good times and memories.  Plan rituals together to honor the person.  Tell stories that keep the memories alive. 

Finally: Tributes and memorials can help with grief.  The mother of a beautiful little girl, who died in December six years ago from leukemia, still struggles with each holiday.  Her tribute though was to write a special poem about her daughter and have it published.  She shared that the comfort her poem has given others, has helped her feel that her daughterÆs life still has precious meaning to others.  She used her grief to inspire. 

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