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Helping
A Child Deal With Death
By: Nancy Boyd Webb
What can an adult say to a child following the death of a beloved family
member or friend? Children often ask probing or painful questions.
For a grieving adult, it may seem daunting to have to explain death to
a child, especially when there are no simple answers. The following guidelines
may make this process easier.
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It is okay to say you don’t know the answer to a child’s question.
You can even say, “No one knows for sure, but this is what I think.” Consider
a child’s age and ability to understand complex ideas. Many experts believe
children do not have a mature understanding of death until about eight
or nine. Younger children may think that being dead is temporary, and that
the dead person will return in the future.
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Use precise terms when talking about death. People typically refer
to “losing” a loved one. Children may interpret this literally and assume
that the person can be found. You should also explain that being dead
means that the body has stopped working and that it cannot be fixed.
It no longer feels cold or gets hungry. The good side of this is that a
dead body does not feel anymore hurt or pain.
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If the child asks whether you will die, respond that everybody dies
someday, but that you hope to live to do things with the family for a long
time.
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Remember that children cannot tolerate long periods of sadness.
This means that they may want to play and participate in their usual activities.
This does not mean that they didn’t love the person who died, nor does
it mean that they are being disrespectful. It is okay to permit or encourage
children to have fun like they did before the death.
Changes in the child’s behavior or patterns might be signs that the child
is experiencing problems associated with the death. In these instances,
it’s appropriate to obtain advice from a specialist in child bereavement
counseling.
Children's Grief Groups
Many school-age children benefit by participating in bereavement
groups with other children who have suffered losses. Children hate to be
different from their peers. In a group, they discover they are not alone.
Although you may not know what to say, don’t avoid bereaved children. Tell
them that you love them and, although you may be sad or crying, you will
always love and take care of them. Also, learn to express your own grief.
You’ll find the strength to carry out these suggestions, and you and the
child will feel better as a result.
  
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